Ainieuru - to Hunger (starve) for Love
by Hiasobi
Summary: Does Aoshi love her? Misao has finally gotten the answer, but is it one from the heart or from the mind? And what is there to say after everything is said? Nothing...


*Note: I don't own RK or the song Torn, so don't sue me! 

Ainiueru - to hunger(starve) for love   
By: Hiasobi

Misao walked calmly up the temple stairs, her steps slow and steady trying not to spill any of the tea, but they stilled had a sort of bounce to them still. A soft hum came from her throat as she tried to play the music of a sad and tragic, long forgotten song with her voice, words fleeting from her mind. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I thought I saw a man brought to life   
He was warm he came around, like he was dignified   
~*~*~*~*~_

Misao pushed open the doors and walked in quietly not to disturbed the other occupant in the room. The only other occupant that was ever there: her Aoshi-sama. 

She set the tray down and concentrated on the tea ritual that happened here everyday, for about 3 years now, almost 4 if she remembered right. But that played no importance to her mind, all there was no was the feeling of being in the same room as her Aoshi-sama, her hands and the pouring of the tea. After that done she picked up a cup daintily and offered it up to him, like always, and as always he would accept it without question. 

Every movement was simple, every sound anticipated, every passing second just like the rest. There was no change in the ritual and there was no difference in what she did today than what she did every other day, but she sensed that today there would be a change, and she didn't know if that was going to be good or not. 

" Misao." 

At first she did not register the sound but then it soon sunk into her mind that someone was calling her name. No, not someone, him. It was so rare that he spoke that she waited with belated breath for him to continue. She looked into his eyes and blinked with a short quiet gasp at the soft look in them. Was she finally getting through to hi? To Aoshi? To the one that played with her when she was young? To Aoshi-niichan? 

" Why do you do this?" he asked her, his tone soft " Why do you come here everyday." 

She smiled and replied, " Because you need me here." 

He blinked, then let his head fall back, eyes closed and tension drawn in his face. He seemed to be savoring the moment, but agonizing the next. 

" I won't anymore." He said, his voice cold, distant and harsh. Extremely harsh. 

She looked at him, his eyes open and cold, and his posture straight and unyielding. He had collected himself form his lapse and was once again, the proud dignified Aoshi-sama of the Oniwabanshuu was back. The cold lone hearted warrior, whose shell she could never get through. 

She bit her bottom lip to stop its quivering. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
He showed me what it was to cry   
~*~*~*~*~_

Blinking back tears, she tried to nod. 

" Hai." She said faintly, submissively. 

She knew a dismissal when she heard one. Standing up she let her head be weighted down by the force of gravity, her bangs obscuring her eyes from his view. She turned abruptly and started to walk out. 

" Another thing." 

She stopped. " Nani?" 

" There was never anything between the two of us." 

Time froze and stopped right at that moment. 

There was never anything between the two of us…   
There was never anything between the two of us…   
There was never anything between us …   
There was never anything …   
There was never… 

" Hai." 

_~*~*~*~*~   
Well you couldn't be the man that I adore   
~*~*~*~*~_

She lifted her foot and stepped forward. Then the other one, then the other one, then the other one, one after another the steps disappeared from under her as she ran down and away from the shrine. But always waiting for any whisper of a shout, a call, anything to tell her to go back. 

There was nothing. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
You don't seem to know - or seem to care what your heart is for   
~*~*~*~*~_

Running into the Aoiya she pushed Omasu out of her way as she bounded up the stairs, not listening to the calls of her name. Collapsing onto her futon she admitted what she had known had been true for a long time, but denied. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I don't know him anymore   
~*~*~*~*~_

She let the tears flow of their own accord, making no attempts to wipe them off or hid them behind her hands. There was no use, pride mattered not in times like this and she wished for the first time in her life, to not have existed at all. 

For the next few days the Aoiya was oddly quiet, due to the fact that Misao was quiet and the others were quiet along with her, sensing the stillness in the air. 

Though Misao did not stop taking Aoshi his tea, there was no longer any noise from the temple anymore, especially when Misao was there. There was nothing left to say, and always, silence reined over them. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
There's nothing where he used to lie   
My conversation has run dry   
~*~*~*~*~_

Okina jumped with joy as he walked, or more precisely ran, around the Aoiya as he looked for Misao. Clutching the letter in his hand tighter he scanned every passing room for the distinctive long braid of hers. They had hoped that she would snap out of whatever phrase she had went into, but no such luck. Every passing day she sank deeper into herself and he had worried that she'll end up one day like Aoshi. 

Aoshi. 

Another thing that worried him was that she no longer spent as much time looking after her 'Aoshi-sama'. She brought him his tea everyday, true and she still did everything else she had done before, but he always found her coming back too soon, and her pace always as if she was trying to run away from something but her face showed that she knew escape was futile. Yes he had been worried indeed. For Aoshi himself, he seemed to not notice anything wrong with Misao and that just made Okina even more worried, he had hoped for Aoshi to help Misao through what ever she was going through. No such luck indeed. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
That's what's going on   
Nothing's fine   
~*~*~*~*~_

Hearing sounds of someone practicing kunai, he ran to the back garden of the Aoiya and smiled as he saw his dear Misao-chan concentrating with rapt attention to her training. 

" Oi! Misao-chan!" he cried out, cupping his hands to the side of his mouth to project the sound of his shout even more. " I have a letter for you!" 

Misao stopped in mid throw and turn her eyes to the franticly waving Okina who had a brown envelope in his outstretched hand. She walked over to him curiously and tilted her head. 

" A letter for me? From who?" 

He thrust the brown envelope out to her with such merriment she was almost a bit taken back. Looking warily down at the envelope and up to Okina's sparkling face for a few times, she debated with herself if she should really open it. After cross examining the envelope several times from different angles, and when Okina started to get annoyed, she decided reluctantly that it was safe. 

Pulling out the parchment from inside she read it quick and then scanned it a second to see if she had missed any details. It was from Kaoru, inviting her to the dojo for a few days to visit. Kaoru said she missed having a female companion that she could spend some time with. True Megumi was there, but she had her patients and wasn't really available half the time. 

She looked up to see Okina peering at her hopefully and expectantly. 

" There's no real point in asking if you would let me go is there?" she asked in a dry tone, but Okina seemingly ignored it and bobbed his head up and down enthusiastically. She suppressed the urge to smile and tried to send him a withering glaring, unsuccessfully. Okina was overjoyed, Misao was beginning to smile again, he knew this was a good idea! Following Misao back to the Aoiya so she could pack, he had another idea that would make Misao smile even more. 

" I'll send Aoshi with you! The two of you together can get rid of any problems you might run into." As Okina happily skipped back into the Aoiya, he did not see Misao's smile disappear and a deadened look enter her eyes. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

After a day of packing and another half spent on the farewell party Omasu and Okon had insisted on giving her, she breathed a sigh of relief. Thank Kami-sama that it was held in the morning so they knew not to get drunk, and if they did, well she would be gone in the afternoon so she wouldn't have to deal with it. 

They did get drunk. And the party did go well into the afternoon and maybe even into the night. But she wouldn't be here; putting on her footwear she pushed the shoulder bag back a bit so she could see. 

And saw a fair of feet in front of her. 

Standing straight up she meet those ice blue eyes without flinching. She managed to smile at him and waited. The icy blues never wavered and the ice was always just as hard. She stared at him until her smile died on her lips and then she looked away. Never to see the icy thaw. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel   
I'm cold and I am shamed   
~*~*~*~*~_

Walking a small distance from the place they had chosen to camp she found the pool of water waiting for her. Stripping herself of her clothing she waddled into the cold water. Once she reached a considerable depth she dived in and cleansed herself of the day's dirt stuck on her skin. 

She swam for a while and let her thoughts free, giving herself up to the darkness and for the first time in days, her mind was blank. And she savored every moment of it. 

Getting up from the pool she wrapped a towel around herself and stared down at the piles of clothes that was hers. She didn't want to leave just yet. 

She let go of the blanket and it fluttered to the ground as she walked to the pool once more. This time however as she walked to undid the braid and let her hair loose from its confinements and it bellowed out behind her in little waves. 

Diving into the water she enjoyed the feeling and the sight of her hair floating around her. Coming up for air she dived back in. She swam vigorously and playfully. She swam like she would never have the chance to again, unaware that the sight of her looked unearthly at the moment and unaware that she had an audience, with eyes so deep that she could dive under and never come back up again. 

Swimming to the very bottom, she laid there for a moment, enjoying the clam of the waters. When she came back up she sat herself on the ground and used the towel to blot her hair dry. She heard rustling to the left and quickly jumped up into the tree branch above her… 

_~*~*~*~*~   
Lying naked on the floor   
Illusion never changed   
~*~*~*~*~_

And out came a small rabbit. Giving a relieved sigh she jumped down, startling the rabbit, but it didn't leave. Instead it looked up at her with cautious but curious eyes. 

" Konbon wa usagi-san." She said kneeling down to her knee and her hair covered her whole but her face, legs and the arms that reached out to the animal. 

For a moment it sniffed at her fingers and she looked hopeful as it almost hopped onto her palms-but then it snapped it head up and ran away and out of sight as fast as it could. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
Into something real   
~*~*~*~*~_

The tears threatened and they came falling from her cheeks as she felt a presence leave. The little rabbit had left her all alone and hurt, even if it hadn't known. But this was one rejection too many. She stood up slowly as her legs felt so weak and tilted her face up to the sky. 

" Why?" she asked, her voice raspy as she contained the sobs. " Why?" 

She tried to seek out a star to make a wish upon, but none stayed in sight long enough for her to be able to make it, as they were obscured from her view as the clouds floated around in the night sky. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

A pair of eyes watched her, concerned but did not make it's presence known. It watched her get dressed, not paying any mind to her state of dress as opposed to her state of mind. The tears never stopped flowing. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
You're a little late   
I'm already torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

Misao walked along side of Aoshi in the busy streets of Kyoto. It was so lively here, so full of light and magic, and she wished she could soak herself in it. She saw that they weren't that far from the dojo now, but she wanted to see the market place a bit more. She told Aoshi to go ahead to the dojo first, she wanted to check out what they had to sell. He nodded and told her to be careful then left. 

Sighing she gazed upon his back with defeated-and pained-eyes until he turn at a corner. Turning around she looked at all the people there and felt excluded from the happiness they felt today, yet she still did not want to leave. 

" Ojousan." A voice came from her left and she turned. 

The soothsayer, or the local midwife and healer looked at the young girl as she walked toward her stand full of herbs. She was captivated by the aura the girl projected. So strong yet so venerable, so happy yet pained, so lost and confused. And her face was of one that knew too much too soon. 

" Hai?" Misao asked the woman in front of her. 

" Would you like your fortune read?" before Misao could reply, " It's free." 

Who was Misao to say no? And besides the woman already had her hand. 

" You are suffering great pain by heartbreak." She started and Misao was startled, but listened. " Something has occurred that you had not expected it too, and the source of light from you soul has dimmed by a new revelation in your world." The soothsayer looked up at her with soft understanding eyes, " You expected too much from someone my sweet, and now you are hurt by what you are getting." 

_~*~*~*~*~   
So I guess the fortune teller's right   
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light   
~*~*~*~*~_

Misao felt her lips quirk ironic and ironic smile, if this had been told to her so much earlier, she wouldn't be carrying all his pain. But then her eyes softened and her facial expression turned to one of wistfulness. 

Even if this had been told to her earlier, she wouldn't have believed them then. Aoshi had been the center of the universe, he hung the sun, the moon and the stars every night and even though he might still be the center of her universe, he no longer hung the sun, the moon or the stars every night, at least not for her. They no longer shone for her. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
But you crawled beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have no luck   
I don't miss it all that much   
~*~*~*~*~_

Walking her way to the Kamiya Dojo she spotted something that made her stop cold, and close her eyes in pain. Opening her lids after a short while she pushed down the tears. There walking on the streets was a couple. The woman leaning onto the man's shoulder and their hands held with fingers threaded. 

The tears didn't come, because they could no longer measure up to the pain in her heart. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
There's just so many things   
That's I can't touch   
~*~*~*~*~_

" Misao-dono!" a perky voice said and she turned to it. 

Kenshin stood outside the dojo doors with a smile on his face of absolute happiness. She gave him a smile back and walked past him as he held the door open for her. She did not feel his gaze upon her back and the hard set of his eyes as he read her feelings through her chi. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

He just stood there, on the far wall leaning onto it and staring out at the sky and once in a while would reply a comment to Kenshin's babble. Removed from the world, yet part of it. He did not participate in any of the going ons, merely an observer, not a player. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel   
~*~*~*~*~_

Misao turned her eyes away and scolded herself; she was just making more pain for herself than she needed. She turned to Kaoru and putting on a happy face, told her that she was going to rest for a bit. Kaoru nodded absently and continued to lecture Yahiko on his sword work, not really noticing Misao running back into the dojo and to her room. 

Once Misao reached the guest room she was staying in, she collapsed onto her futon. She slept none and just spent her time staring up at the ceiling and trying to clear her mind, as Kenshin's voice came from the window. And once in a while, Aoshi's. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm cold and I am shamed   
Lying naked on the floor   
~*~*~*~*~_

Three hours of staring at the ceiling and thinking about nothing in particular lead to no answers. She did not expect any but had half hoped her subconscious had a piece of advice for her conscious. 

It was hopeless; it had always been hopeless! Her mind knew this but her heart wouldn't listen. Even when broken her heart went on hoping. 

She looked out the window to the sky and saw herself in a thousand different situations, where Aoshi and her were together, and that they were going to get a happily ever after, just like those western fairytales. 

If only… 

_~*~*~*~*~   
Illusion never changed   
Into something real   
~*~*~*~*~_

Kaoru came in a small while later. She took one look at Misao withdrawn face and pulled her into a hug. 

" He'll come around." Kaoru told her, rubbing her hands up and down her back to sooth her. " Just you wait. You'll be okay Misao-chan." 

Misao stared at the wall with bleak eyes. 

If only. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

Kaoru held her at arms length and stared at her straight in the eyes, " He loves you. You just have to wait. It'll come out sooner or later." 

Misao strained her lips into a smile. It was all she could do. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
You're a little late   
I'm already torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

She couldn't sleep, no matter what position she was in, she couldn't sleep and the blankets were now all twisted around her legs. Sighing, she went through the process to free herself then stood up and went for a walk. Passing Kaoru's room she debated with herself if she should go in and talk to her or not. 

She decided not to, she was probably already asleep by now. Passing Yahiko's room she could hear faint snoring and she gave a soft ghost of a smile. Passing Kenshin's room she reached the guest room reserved for Sanosuke when he slept over, which was a lot, but tonight she wasn't really up to playing a prank on him, even if he was here. Walking to Aoshi's door, she stopped. Should she go in? Did she dare to? Holding her breath she gathered all the courage that she had left, and pushed the door open slowly. 

Light poured in from the doorway and shadows leaped everywhere. She stared down at the futon where he was supposed to be sleeping. 

Empty. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
There's nothing where he used to lie   
~*~*~*~*~_

What was she going to do now? Find him? Seek him out in the middle of the night? And say what? Leaning on the doorframe her shoulders sank. And she slowly slid down the wooden stick until her knees touched the ground. 

Her face was blank, barren of any emotion. Slowly, her head tiled forward and it was bowed in defeat. Burying her face in her hands she closed her eyes painfully. 

Though tears wouldn't come, she still had her voice. And so her small frame was racked with sobs as she cried out in the night. Cried without tears. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
My inspiration has run dry   
~*~*~*~*~ _

What was she doing? What was she going to do? Her life… it seemed so empty, so bare. She had no purpose to drive her forward and more, her inner strength was gone. And now she no longer knew what to do. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
That's what's goin' on   
Nothing's right   
~*~*~*~*~_

Off into the distance she heard sounds, voices and clashes of metal. Snapping her head up identified what the clashes were. Swords, swords…that meant a fight was going on. Her eyes widened as she stared at his empty futon, of course. Who was fighting him? 

Pushing herself to her legs rapidly she ran towards the sounds. 

Running into the forest she nightclothes was a bad idea. The light kimono was scratched and rips were appearing everywhere and the trees then when found no cloth at their end branches, tore at the skin underneath. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

Light, the end of the trail. Bursting out of the trees she stopped wide-eyed at the sight in front of her. 

Yes, a fight. 

Between Kenshin and Aoshi. 

She tried to cry out for them to stop but her voice was gone, sore and dry was her throat from all that crying. And now there was nothing she could do but watch. And she did watch. 

Kenshin had no will to fight, it was clear the way he only defended himself from the attacks, but Aoshi was clever. He was attacking in such a way that Kenshin would have to attack back to defend himself. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel   
~*~*~*~*~_

She was helpless here, the leader of the Oniwabanshu, helpless. 

She clenched her eyes shut painfully. 

No…not again… 

She fell limp to her knees, staring at her own two hands. 

Helpless. 

Why? Why was she so weak? Why couldn't she stop them? 

Her kimono was barely hanging onto her body; cloth so torn and ripped it no longer bore any resemblance to the favorite nightgown of hers. 

But she did not care. Now nothing mattered, except that she was weak and helpless once more to stop Aoshi from…from…From what? From leaving her? From fighting? From seeking the peace that was not there? 

What?! 

She did not know. But something told her that is was something she didn't want to know. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm cold and I am shamed   
Lying naked on the floor   
~*~*~*~*~_

She snapped her eyes open as she heard clearly Kenshin shouting her name, and that she was waiting for Aoshi back at the dojo. She blinked. 

Had there been… 

Had been a slight hesitation in Aoshi's swing for the split second as Kenshin mention her name? 

No. No, there hadn't. 

She was deluding her self once again. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
Illusion never changed   
Into something real   
~*~*~*~*~_

Her eyes widened as she heard Kenshin shout that if he couldn't make Aoshi stop by just plain defending then he was going to knock Aoshi unconscious and drag him back to the dojo. 

She watched them exchange blow for blow, Kenshin's sakaba and Aoshi's kodachi locked in a fight for dominance. 

The light from the moon reflected into her eyes as Kenshin charged at Aoshi once last time. She blinked to get the dots out of her eyes but what she saw afterwards froze her heart. 

Kenshin's sakaba…it was reversed. The blade was in front! He was going to cut Aoshi in half if his swing hit! She looked at Kenshin's face; he hadn't noticed his reversed blade was reversed in itself! 

She quickly turned her eyes to Aoshi, he saw it too. And a smile came to his lips. Her heart froze. He smiled! He smiled! But then it iced over as she realized what it meant. 

Aoshi wanted to die. 

He was leaving himself wide open to Kenshin's blade. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

And then it happened. Aoshi was struck. And blood pooled out of his body. 

" No…" a voice was rasped out, and she didn't not notice it was hers. 

In a trance she stood up and walked over to the fallen Aoshi and the frozen Kenshin, who looked brokenly at his blade in his shaking hands. 

" No…" 

This couldn't be happening. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel   
~*~*~*~*~_

She fell to her knees in the pool of blood right next to Aoshi's body. She saw Aoshi's eyes widened at her and she could feel Kenshin's do the same, but she didn't care. 

Carefully she placed Aoshi's head on her lap and wove her fingers through his hair. 

" Aoshi-sama…" she said down at him, her eyes glistening. 

" Misao…" he stared with wide eyes up to her. " Misao…why-" 

" Shhh…." She whispered, placing a finger to his lips, " save you're strength." 

" Misao-dono…" she looked up at Kenshin, and his eyes were pained. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm cold and I'm ashamed   
Bound and broken on the floor   
~*~*~*~*~_

Aoshi looked at her, his eyes warm and wet with tears " Misao…gomen nasai..." 

" You're going to be alright." She said her voice wavering, " You're going to be alright, we're going to take you to Megumi-san and she's going to patch you right up." 

He smiled and his hand reached up slowly to touch her cheek. " Ai…ai…Aishiteru Misao-chan." 

And his hand fell limply to the ground. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
You're a little late   
~*~*~*~*~_

" Iie…" she whispered, " Iie…IIE!!!" 

Her scream tore through the night and every soul that heard was pained with sympathy for the woman with the unknown voice. 

She stared down him his face, his eyes were closed and no pain showed. Instead his face…his face…it was one of peace. 

" Misao-dono…" Kenshin's voice came, " go-gomen nasai. I hadn-I hadn't meant to…" 

Standing up she walked over to him. 

" Misao-dono…I-I-." His voice broke and tears dripped down the rurouni's face. " I…" 

Whatever he was going to say was cut short as Misao threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around his waste, hugging him. She gently looked up to his confused eyes with a smile. 

" I'm sorry." She said, " I've ran out of tears that I can cry, so you're going to have to cry for us both." 

He stared down at her smiling face. 

" Misao-dono…" 

He pulled her next to him, crushing her body to his as he was racked with sobs. Misao leaned to him and her eyes closed as she tilted her head up to him. And his tears fell upon her eyes, dripped down her cheeks as she held him and he held her, both seeking strength from one another. 

And finding it together. 

_~*~*~*~*~   
I'm already torn   
~*~*~*~*~_

Hiasobi: My first RK fanfic! Love to hear what you have to say..and um...*begs* please don't kill me!! I am a total A&M lover! I didn't want to kill Aoshi but it had to be done! Gomen! 


End file.
